F. Scott Fitzgerald Makes Me Want More

“She was beautiful, but not like those girls in the magazines. She was beautiful, for the way she thought. She was beautiful, for the sparkle in her eyes when talked about something she loved. She was beautiful, for her ability to make other people smile even if she was sad. No, she wasn’t beautiful for something as temporary as her looks. She was beautiful, deep down to her soul.”

– F. Scott Fitzgerald

This quote, this amazingly beautiful quote makes me question my relationship. All our lives we are surrounded by these romantic movies about guys who chase girls, bad boys who change to be with the sweet and innocent girl, or two broken people who fix each other. We are force fed these movies, and then told that they are lies.

Our parents or elders remind us constantly that those are just movies. People don’t really do those incredibly romantic things. People don’t really poor their hearts out and say those unbelievably beautiful words to each other. Until they do.

F. Scott Fitzgerald isn’t the only actual person to actually love someone in such a deep and earth shattering way that we all secretly seethe with jealousy. History is filled with romantic gestures that fill us all with the hope that we will find the one, that person who truly understands us deep down to our core. Who connects with you on such a real level that you can never feel embarrassed or ashamed around them. You can always be yourself, your true wild, hilarious, ugly, and sometimes stupid self. The person who can look at you from across a room and you instantly smile as your whole body fills with joy. Sure you guys will fight, but it will be real, passionate fighting. None of that passive aggressive secretly loathing each other fighting. All of these things that these authors, kings, queens, ordinary every day joe’s describe as love is a real thing. It’s out there. And yet, we settle forĀ “alright”.

I, myself, have found that I am locked in an “alright” relationship. I am only eighteen and some of you may think that that’s too young to realize what love is. Well maybe I’m not but I think I’ve found what love isn’t. I have been with this guy for about nine months now and we say I love you and sometimes I get those butterflies but I just don’t feel it. That spark. That sign from the universe that lets me know that I am with the right man. And don’t tell me that that sign doesn’t exist. It’s out there. That’s where quotes like the one above come from. True, unabashed love. I plan on settling for nothing less.

Here’s what I find to be off about my relationship. I disagree with the way he acts towards his parents. He can be lazy and seems to only think about himself at times. He doesn’t seem to value education and has no exact plan for his future. He bumbles around and hopes for the best. He makes comments like “you have potential” and “if I don’t cut you” jokingly on a constant basis. These comments are always followed quickly by an “just kidding, I love you.” I care about him, I know that for sure. But the word “love” is still up in the air for me. But the real thing, the thing that keeps me up at night, is that he doesn’t text me good night.

Let me explain. He doesn’t text me goodnight, he rambles on about his day, interrupts me, doesn’t open the door, ask me if I want something to drink, initiate the cuddling, or any of those things. It’s like that scene from The Breakup. I know that he doesn’t want to do the dishes, but I want him to want to help me do the dishes. It’s not all about him. Maybe I’m just a different personality type who appreciates the little things but I can’t keep pretending that his lack of “small affections” doesn’t bother me.

The love I want is the kind that is constant. The kind that doesn’t make me question it. Even if we fight I still know that I will always, always want to be with them. I want the love that F. Scott Fitzgerald talks about. The messy, respectful, and undying love of an imperfect man. I hope this love exists and even more, I hope that I can find it.

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